The Great Canadian Wilderness
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Getting lost in Canada provides many a chance to annoy Bonecrusher.


Another poke at Blackout's horrendous navigational skills. I mostly wrote this because I was bored...and I wanted to write something with Bonecrusher again. I like Bonecrusher. And don't worry, there's an explanation for why they're in Canada at the end.

* * *

Bonecrusher carefully placed his foot down on the rocky, uneven soil, and almost went flying as his balance was upset. The only thing preventing him from hitting the ground was a familiar set of hands reaching out and grabbing ahold of his mine scoop.

"Do I get a thank-you?" Blackout asked as he pulled him upright.

"Fuck off and die!" Bonecrusher snarled, ripping his mine scoop free of Blackout's grasp.

"Are you sure I can't give you a ride? Because it's really no problem. I can walk across this surface, no problem," Blackout offered.

"I'm fine!" came Bonecrusher's angry reply.

"Aww, c'mon, Bonecrusher. He just wants to help you," Barricade reasoned.

"Well I don't want it!" he snapped. To his horror, Blackout lifted him off the ground and hugged him.

"Ah, Bonecrusher, why do you always have to be so mean?" Blackout asked. Bonecrusher struggled, being sure to use every foul word he knew. "You were always so nice to Scrapper. Why can't you be nice to us, just once?"

"I actually like Scrapper! I don't like either of you!" Bonecrusher protested.

"Well I like you, and I'm hugging you because whether or not you reciprocate the feelings, I consider you to be my friend."

"This is entertaining," Barricade snickered.

"I think I'm gonna purge…" Bonecrusher groaned. "Put me down!"

"Alright, fine," Blackout sighed. Then, just to annoy him, he kissed the side of his helm before releasing him. Barricade and Blackout both laughed as Bonecrusher fell to the ground and frantically rubbed at the area where Blackout had kissed him.

"I can't believe you just did that," Barricade said after getting himself under control.

Blackout wiped his mouth on his arm. "Yeah, neither can I." He nudged Bonecrusher with his foot. "Come on, BC. That's not the worst thing I could have done to ya." Bonecrusher only glared in response.

Barricade looked up at the skyline, bordered by trees. "It's getting dark. We should find someplace to rest for the night."

"Agreed." Blackout picked Bonecrusher off the ground and carried him through the forest.

"Hey! Put me down!" Bonecrusher struggled to wrench himself free.

"I would if you could move in this terrain."

"I can move just fine, you whore!" he lied.

"Alright then, try," Blackout challenged, dropping him on his aft.

As soon as Bonecrusher got over the wave of pain rushing through his frame after being dropped, he slowly, very carefully, stood up. He took a step forward and slowly set his foot down, his step slightly wobbly. Such was the curse of having wheels for feet. He could move quickly on smooth surfaces, but barely at all on uneven ones. He took a step down with the other foot, stepped in a hole, and went flying over.

"Yeah, you clearly got the hang of it," Barricade said sarcastically.

Blackout grabbed his arm and started to drag him away from Bonecrusher. "Come on. Since he obviously doesn't need any help, he should be able to catch up on his own."

"Why are you so bitter all of a sudden?" Barricade questioned.

"Let's just say I don't appreciate being called a whore…" he glared at Bonecrusher.

Bonecrusher realized he screwed up the minute he heard Blackout's statement, but he was too stubborn to admit it, and instead returned his glare as he watched the both of them walk off and abandon him. He debated whether he should just lie there for the rest of his life, or make an attempt at following them.

* * *

"Do you think we shouldn't have left Bonecrusher behind?" Barricade asked as they settled into the small clearing they'd found.

Blackout sat down, leaning against a large rock. "Bitch deserved it," he mumbled.

"I can understand why you're so angry at him, but he's just Bonecrusher being Bonecrusher. Can you really blame him for doing what comes naturally to him?" Blackout made an incoherent sound in response. "I mean, think about it. The only one he's ever shown respect for is Scrapper, and that's mainly because Scrapper leaves him alone. You, on the other hand, pester him all the time."

"Heh, heh… Yeah…" Blackout said, a bit too proudly.

"Maybe he wouldn't hate you so much if you…" Blackout gave him an awkward stare. "Okay, so he'd probably still hate you. But maybe he'd be slightly less verbally abusive."

"Eh… Sometimes I think the only reason he treats Scrapper with respect is because he has a crush on him," he shook his head.

"Okay, now that was messed up," Barricade replied. After hearing that, he doubted he'd ever be able to look at Bonecrusher or Scrapper the same again.

They both heard something scrambling and crashing through the brush and looked over to see Bonecrusher stumbling out of the darkness. He fell into the clearing, sticks and leaves sticking out of the seams in his armor and panting heavily, and just lay there for a minute. Rather than attempting to stand up again, he opted instead to crawl the rest of the way and lay down at the end of the clearing opposite them both, no doubt harboring a grudge over having been left behind.

Barricade shivered from the cold and wondered why Canada had to be so cold at night. Recognizing Blackout as a source of heat, he sat down next to him and snuggled close. "I'm hungry," he grumbled. Blackout nodded and reached into a hidden storage compartment and produced energon snacks. "Where'd you get those?"

"Soundwave," he replied before giving him a handful.

"Remind me to thank him later," he replied. "If there is a later… You've gotten us pretty damn lost again, Blackout."

"I know… Don't rub it in," Blackout growled.

"Think maybe he's hungry?" Barricade asked, nodding towards Bonecrusher.

"Let me go check," he said before standing up. He approached Bonecrusher and crouched next to him. "Wake up, BC. I've got food!" Bonecrusher glared at him before reaching out for the treats in his hand. He growled when Blackout held them out of reach. "What's the "magic word", BC? And it isn't "fuck" either," he asked in a mocking voice.

"Die?" he snarled.

Blackout sighed before handing him the treats. "Close enough…" He returned to Barricade's side.

"Slagging cold out here," Barricade grumbled, scooting closer to Blackout for warmth.

"It's much warmer in my lap…"

"I'm not that desperate, Blackout."

"Heh, I was only joking anyway." They both noticed that Bonecrusher was shivering. "He looks cold," Blackout whispered to Barricade.

"Hey Bonecrusher, don't you want to come over here by us where it's warmer?" Barricade asked.

"No!" Bonecrusher lied again.

Blackout knew that Bonecrusher would refuse any invitations and quickly did an Internet search for something that sounded or looked intimidating. He came across a Wikipedia page. "But what if a walrus gets you, since you're so far away from us?"

Barricade quick did an Internet search for this so-called "walrus" and almost burst out laughing when he found it. Bonecrusher gave Blackout a look. "Walrus? What the slag is a walrus?"

"Look it up," Blackout replied, knowing that Bonecrusher would more than likely do an image search and not actually read anything about it. Bonecrusher wasn't an idiot like Brawl, but he still wasn't all that bright, either.

Bonecrusher's optics grew wide when his search completed. "Yeah, but this "walrus" wouldn't have the jaw strength to bite through my metal armor, would it?"

Barricade decided to play along. "Neh… Of course not. But they'd have more than enough jaw strength to rip out wires and sever fuel lines."

"And besides, they wouldn't be biting through your armor, they'd be prying it off so they can get to the softer, more vital parts underneath," Blackout added.

"They also hunt in packs… And they're nocturnal…"

"And they can fly…"

"How do they…?" Bonecrusher asked, confusedly.

"Don't question that which is the walrus."

Bonecrusher seemed quite freaked out by their false information. As if on cue, a nearby moose called, which didn't phase Barricade and Blackout, who had already seen a moose shortly after they had abandoned Bonecrusher. Bonecrusher, on the other hand, looked around desperately for the source of the noise.

"What the frag was that?!" he asked.

Blackout resisted the urge to play back sound bits from some video game called "Silent Hill 3" just to frighten him even more, knowing that doing so might get himself a severe aft-kicking from both Barricade and Bonecrusher. "That would be the aforementioned "walrus"," he said instead.

Bonecrusher quickly crawled over towards them and clung to Blackout's side. Barricade and Blackout both looked at him smugly. "What? I'm not scared. I'm just over here to keep you two safe," he explained.

"From the killer Canadian walruses," Barricade snickered.

"Um… Yeah…"

_-Meanwhile, on the Nemesis-_

"What is taking them so long?! How hard is it to find a McDonalds in a world dominated by fast food?! I'm starving!!" Starscream demanded. "Shockwave, where are they now?!"

"It appears that they are lost in someplace called "Canada"," Shockwave answered, staring at a monitor.

"Canada? What's Canada?" he asked.

"Canada! America's hat!" Brawl replied.

"No doubt they took another of Blackout's "short-cuts"," Soundwave shook his head.

* * *

I like Canada. It's one of the three places I want to go before I die.


End file.
